Kwentong Nakakatawa

Mga Kwentong Nakakatawa


Isang Nakakatuwang Liham ng isang Tatay

Anak,

Medyo mabagal akong magsulat ngayon dahil alam kong mabagal ka ring magbasa. Nandito na kami sa Estados Unidos para bantayan ang bagong biling bahay ng kapatid mo. Pero hindi ko maibigay sa iyo ang address dahil dinala ng dating nakatira ang address para daw hindi na sila magpalit ng address.

Maganda ang lugar na ito at malayo sa Manila. Dalawang beses lang umulan sa linggong ito, tatlong araw noong una at apat na araw noong pangalawa.

Nakakainis lang ang mga paninda dito katulad nun nabili ko na shampoo dahil ayaw bumula. Nakasulat kasi “FOR DRY HAIR” kaya hindi ko binabasa ang buhok ko pag ginagamit ko. Mamaya ay ibabalik ko sa Walmart at magrereklamo ako.

Noong isang araw naman ay hindi ako makapasok sa bahay dahil ayaw bumukas ng padlock. Nakasulat kasi ay “YALE”, eh aba namalat na ako sa kasisigaw ay hindi pa din bumubukas. Magrereklamo din ako sa nagbenta ng bahay, akala nila hindi ko alam na SIGAW ang tagalog ng “YALE”, wise yata ito!

Mayroon nga pala akong nabili na magandang jacket at tiyak na magugustuhan mo. Ipinadala ko na sa iyo sa “Federal Express” medyo mahal daw dahil mabigat ang mga butones kaya ang ginawa ko ay tinanggal ko na lang ang mga butones at inilagay ko na lang sa bulsa ng jacket. Ikabit mo na lang pag dating diyan.

Nagpadala rin ako ng tseke para sa mga nasalanta ng bagyo, hindi ko na pinirmahan dahil gusto ko na maging anonymous donor. Nakakahiya naman kung ipagkakalat ko pa.

Ang kapatid mo palang si Jhun ay may trabaho na dito, mayroon siyang 500 na tao sa ilalim niya. Nag-gugupit siya ngayon ng damo sa memorial park, okey naman ang kita above minimum ang sahod.

Nakapanganak na rin pala ang ate baby mo, hindi ko pa alam kung babae o lalake kaya hindi ko pa masasabi na kung ikaw ay bagong uncle or auntie. Wala na akong masyadong balita. Sumulat ka na lang ng madalas.

Love,
Papa

p.s. Maglalagay sana ako ng pera, kaya lang ay naisara ko na ang envelope. Next time na lang ha

Funny Call Center Conversation

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for “Termination without Cause”.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: “Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?”

Caller: “Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

Operator: “What sort of trouble??”

Caller: “Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

Operator: “Went away?”

Caller: “They disappeared.”

Operator: “Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”

Caller: “Nothing.”

Operator: “Nothing??”

Caller: “It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

Operator: “Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??”

Caller: “How do I tell?”

Operator: “Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??”

Caller: “What’s a sea-prompt?”

Operator: “Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?”

Caller: “There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

Operator: “Does your monitor have a power indicator??”

Caller: “What’s a monitor?”

Operator: “It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Operator: “Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??”

Caller: “Yes, I think so.”

Operator: “Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”

Caller: “Yes, it is.”

Operator: “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??”

Caller: “No.”

Operator: “Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”

Caller: “Okay, here it is.”

Operator: “Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”

Caller: “I can’t reach.”

Operator: “Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??”

Caller: “No.”

Operator: “Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??”

Caller: “Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.”

Operator: “Dark??”

Caller: “Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

Operator: “Well, turn on the office light then.”

Caller: “I can’t.”

Operator: “No? Why not??”

Caller: “Because there’s a power failure.”

Operator: “A power……………………………….. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??”

Caller: “Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

Operator: “Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

Caller: “Really? Is it that bad?”

Operator: “Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

Caller: “Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??”

Operator: “Tell them you’re too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!”

Funny Letter

This is a letter from one bar girl to
another bar girl whose boyfriend she
apparently stole.

To Marjie,
I am not surprise or wander why Dennis
leave you. Why? What reason you can
think about but you’re very fat body.
I’m thought before that Dennis only
use me to his toy but sooner and later
I’m realize that he really can’t not
beared or stomached to be with you
anymore because at first, Dennis say
he could not stand you’re habit of
making pakialam all his walks and
always calling to their house what
time he go home or this or that and
then he say he get ashame to met you
iether in school or in his family and
then asking you to exercise you’re
very, very, very fat body but you hate
it you thoughth you’re the most
prettiest girls he know about what do
you think you are “Beautiful Girl” of
Jose Mari Chan even you are beautiful
face (to your think) you do not have
the rigth to called me whatsoever or
else different name one time or the
other for the real purposed to insults
my personality because I’m never call
you names before iether in front of
Dennis or in the backs of Dennis, but
if you start already to calling me
different name, I’m don’t have any
other choice but to called you other
different name to like you are a PIG,
FAT, OBESSED, OVERWIGHT AND UGLY SHAPE
girl. Shame to you’re body that is to
a BUDING. You can’t not blame Dennis
for exchanging you to me because I’m
am the more sexier than you when you
look to us in the mirror. I’m repeat
again that you are like Ike Lozada
when she is a girl.

FROM: THE SEXIEST GIRL OF D.M.

Ps. You say that I’m the bad breathe
But who is Dennis want to kissed.
Me or you? You or me?
And the final is me.

 

SARI SARING KWENTO

–hinahanap ng mga NPA sina Juan, pedro at berting…..Nagtago sila sa sako sa bodega ng kamote…
NPA: san n kaya sila??!  hmmmmm.. baka nagtatago lang ang mga yun dito……check natin mga sako!!….

Sinipa ang sako 1
Juan: meow! meow!..
NPA: Pusa lang pala

Sinipa ang sako 2
Pedro: arf ! arf !…
NPA: aso lang pala

Sinipa pang sako 3
Berting; tahimik walang reaksyon
Sinipa ulit yung sako 3
Berting: wala ulit reaksyon
Sinipa ng sinipa ang sako 3
Berting: watdapaaaaakk!??! kamote ako….wala akong SOUND!!

–Boy: Miss may titulo ka ba?
Girl: wala bakit?
Boy: tingin ko kasi pag-aari kita
Girl: how sweet? ilang pages ka ba?
Boy: (naconfuse) bakit?
Girl: ang kapal mo kasi!!!!

–may dalawang magkapatid, si malaki at si maliit… sumulat si malaki sa kanyang tatay..

Dear Tatay,
ibili nyo po kame ng isang dosenang itlog at isang kilong baboy
ang inyong anak… malaki

inutusan ni malaki si maliit na ihatid ang sulat sa post office, habang naglalakad napaaway si maliit at ang sulat ay nagkapunit punit!!  pero pilit na binuo ang sulat sa pamamagitan ng tape para mabasa pa rin ng ama…eto kinalabasan….

Dear Baboy,
ibili nyo po kami ng isang dosenang anak at isang
kilong tatay.
ang inyong itlog… malaki

–Sa sabungan walang entrance fee ang may dalang panabong….eh walang pera si juan kaya naisip nya para makalibre pumasok sya na may dalang sisiw….

Bantay: hoy!! …ano yan?
Juan: (galit pa) ..manok!! bakit?
Bantay: alam ko!!.. eh bakit sisiw??
Juan: helleeeeeerr?? may laban ang ama niya siyempre… moral support!!.. tanga!!!

–Nanay: nak lutuin mo na yung sardinas..
AnaK: kakaliskisan ko po ba?
Nanay: tanggalin mo na rin ang hasang ng masulit ang katangahan mo hayup ka!!!

–Rod: Bakit badtrip ka ?
Harry: nagtampo skin ang uto lko.
Rod: Bakit naman?
Harry: nakalimutan ko kasi ang birthday nya
Rod: yun lang? anong masama run?
Harry: ang masam run…..Twins kami!!! TWINS!!!!!

–Bitoy: “Dagul, bakit ang pandak mo?”
Dagul: “Kasi, bata pa lang ako, ulila na ako. ”
Bitoy: “Anong kaugnayan nun sa pagiging pandak mo?”
Dagul: “Sira pala ulo mo! Wala ngang nagpalaki sa akin!!! ”

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2 thoughts on “Mga Kwentong Nakakatawa

  1. COMPLETE VERSION
    Dad: Anak, bili mo ko soft drinks
    Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
    Dad: Coke!
    Anak:Diet o Regular?
    Dad: Regular!
    Anak:Bote O Can?
    Dad: Bote!
    Anak: 8 oz. o Litro?
    Dad: Punyeta! Tubig na lang!
    Anak: Natural o Mineral?
    Dad: Mineral!
    Anak: Malamig o Hindi?
    Dad: Hampasin kita ng walis?
    Anak: tambo o ting ting
    Dad: Hayop ka!
    Anak: Baka o Baboy?
    Dad: Layas!
    Anak: Ngayon o bukas?
    Dad: Ngayon na!!!
    Anak: Hatid mo ko o hindi?
    DAd: Patayin kita?
    Anak: Saksakin o barilin?
    Dad: Babarilin!!
    Anak: Ulo o Tiyan?
    Dad: Pesteeeee!!!!
    Anak: Ipis o Daga?
    Dad: Waaaaaaaahhhh!!!

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