Mga kwentong nakatawa vol. 3

Sa kalagitnaAn ng gera !
pedro: sumuko na kyo! wla rn kau mapa2la.
terorista: su2ko lng kmi kung mai-spel mo ung ceasefire ?
pedro: ituloy ang laban! patay kung patay! Pada2lhan ko kau ng crysanthemum sa inyong lbing!
terorista: spEl crysanthemum?
pedro: sv ko rose, bingi b? Labn kung labn..wlang spelingan . . Hahaha. .
 

Anak umuwi ng bahay.(gaLit) anak: nay, pinptwag kau sa skul!
nay: bakit? my ginwa kn namang katarntaduhan?
anak: ako ba? baka ikaw, ikw nga pinapatawag db?

 

Sequel to A Love Story

It was jazz an ordinary day. The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!

Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila rin ako. Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng: “Indaaaayyyy……” Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now? “Dodong!” sigaw ko. Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko “Sorry, I didn’t mean to be loud and proud.” Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd. “Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? tanong nya. “Bihira lang, Dodong. I’m just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh” sabi ko. Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. he’s every woman’s dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore. “Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?” tanong ni Dodong. “I don’t mine” sagot ko. Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. “What’s your odor sir?” Sabi nung waiter kay Dodong. “Do you have porkshop?” tanong ni Dodong. “Yes sir” sabi nito. “Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of Boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of Female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and Was completed. it also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully” Dagdag niya. “And you mam?” sabay tingin naman sa akin. Hmmm… mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I’m cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko. “I’ll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh.” sagot ko. Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka teka, this is going too far. Besides, it’s a long, long way to run. “Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I’m happily married” pagmamalaki ko. “Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn’t expect you still have more feelings than I expected. i don’t want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect.” dagdag ko pa. Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin. The Seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya. “I don’t care less!” sigaw ni Dodong. Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To Think it’s his other woman that caused our separation to part. Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having Panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo. Pero Sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng Security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong. “Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?” sabi ko sa mamang guard. “Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure.” sagot niya. “Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got Lost in my eyes.” “Diretso lang.” sabi niya. “Then turn right anytime with care.” “Thanks for your corporation” sabi ko. Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag disappear nya. “Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!” pananakot nya.

Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar. Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it’s all over. I’m out of arm’s way. “Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?” bago pa man ako matapos, sabi niya: “I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout But at first I didn’t give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then i give it a thought. I know something is a missed.” From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn’t even sister me. As in platonic at wala na talaga. Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa’t-isa at walang exhibitions. I feel I’m on cloud.

WIFE: Hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
HUSBAND: Hello!? Electrician ba ako?
WIFE: Eh di pakigawa na lang hagdan natin.
HUSBAND: Hello!? Karpintero ba ako?
(Umalis si Husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa bahay. Tinanong niya wife niya kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.)
WIFE: Kasi kanina, a man saw me crying, sabi ko daming sira dito sa
bahay. So he offered to help in exchange of either sex or bake ako ng
cake.
HUSBAND: So pinag-bake mo siya ng cake?
WIFE: Hello?! Baker ba ako?

(Sa isang Radio station)

Host: Ilang taon na kayo lolo? Mananawagan ba kayo?

Lolo: Opo, 98 na po.

Host: Wow tanda nyo na po pala, sige po manawagan na kayo.

Lolo: Kuya, umuwi ka na. Di na raw galit si Daddy sayo.

 

 

KRIS: Nay, nay, tingnan nyo po ang drawing ko oh!
NANAY: Wow!! Ang galing namang mag-drawing ng MONKEY ng bunso ko!
KRIS: Nay, kayo po yan!

 

 
JUAN: Away kami ni misis kagabi, nagdilim paningin ko!
PEDRO: Sinaktan mo?
JUAN: Sinakal ako, NAGDILIM PANINGIN KO, nawalan ako ng malay!

 

JUAN: Tay, ang CORRESPONDENCE po ba ay dalawang R?
TATAY: Gawin mo ng tatlo anak, para sigurado!
JUAN:Galing nyo talaga tay, sigurista!

 

JUAN: Dok, sobra lungkot dto s mental kaya sinulatan ko ang sarili
ko!
DOCTOR: Eh ano nman sinabi mo?
JUAN:Ewan ko,next week ko p matatanggap eh!

 

TATAY: Bakit BAGSAK ka sa exam?
JUAN:Dahil po sa pag-absent tay!
TATAY:Absent ka nung itinuro?
JUAN:Hindi po! Absent yung KATABI ko nung exam!

 

JUAN: Nay,muntik n ko mg Top 1 s klase!
NANAY: Tlaga nak?Bat muntik lng?
JUAN: Inannounce po ung Top 1 s klase,tinuro ni Maam ung ktabi
ko.Sayang!

 

MARIA:Lagot ginabi ako! Ano sasabihin ko ke itay?
PEDRO: Unahan mo:’Bkit ngayon lng ako umuwi ha? San ako galing?
Sobra na ko! Pasok sa kuwarto!’

 

AMA: Hoy Brando! Huwag kang babakla-bakla ha!
ANAK: Di po itay. Punta nga ako sa basketball court ngayon.
AMA: Yan, astig!
ANAK: Mama, nakita mo pompoms ko?

Mga Kwentong nakakatawa vol. 2

JOKE 1

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” …. the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”

Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

 

JOKE 2

One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.

“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she makes up an answer.

“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”

The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”

The mother has a confused look on her face, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”

The little girl replies, “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”

 

JOKE 3

 

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 1: “I saw a strap of your bra.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one week.”

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: “Why did you laugh?”
Boy 2: “I saw your bra straps.”
Teacher: “You are punished to stay out of school for one month.”

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: “Why are you leaving?”
Boy 3: “I think my school days are over.”

 

JOKE 4

Mom: If a boy touches your b**bs, say “Don’t” and if he touches your pu**y say “Stop”.
Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said “Don’t Stop”.

 

JOKE 5

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”.
“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

 

JOKE 6

A woman runs into a doctor’s office and says “DOCTOR! DOCTOR! You have to help me! Everywhere I touch on my body it hurts!”

The doctor replied, “Show me.”

So the woman poked her ankle and screamed of pain. Then she poked her knee and yelled OW. She poked her forehead and screamed again.

She was about to continue when the doctor said, “That’s enough, let me think this over.” He thought for about a minute and said “I think I know what your problem is. You broke your finger.”

 

JOKE 7

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

 

JOKE 8

 

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away. The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he said, “I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license. They’ll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well, now. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

 

JOKE 9

The class teacher asks students to name an animal that begins with an E.
One boy says: “Elephant.”

Then the teacher asks for an animal that begins with a T.
The same boys says: “Two elephants.”

The teacher sends the boy out of the class for bad behavior. After that she asks for an animal beginning with M.
The boy shouts from the other side of the door: “Maybe an elephant!”

 

JOKE 10

 

A little girl was asking her teacher.

Girl: “Can my mom get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your mom?”
Girl: “She’s 40!”
Teacher: Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can my sister get pregnant?”
Teacher: “How old is your sister?”
Girl: “She’s 18.”
Teacher: “Yes, she can.”
Girl: “Can I get pregnant?
Teacher: “How old are you?”
Girl: “I’m 12.”
Teacher: “No you cannot get pregnant.”

A lil boy sitting behind the lil girl said, “I told you we have nothing to worry about.”

The teacher fainted.